A Mother Copes with the Loss of Her Unborn Baby
TOPIC: Miscarriage
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The flower: Daphne THE STORY
I get invited along on some pretty intense journeys with commissioned songwriting. This one took me to a place few people even talk about beyond the boundaries of quiet whispers and private family conversations. Jen came to me two years ago asking for a song to help her heal. She and her husband Dan had one child and were in the process of trying to conceive another. But they had been beset by a painful miscarriage which seemed both to stand in the way of Jen's moving forward toward conception again, and, too, of Jen's ability to feel the support of Dan. Jen brought her journals and the one book I have ever seen containing poetry about miscarriage to the song-interview. It was at that point that it hit me how very "unspoken" this kind of loss can be in our culture. She described to me the circumstances of her miscarriage, the shock, the sadness, the confusion, the doubt. And then she told me of how she had made the decision to plant some flowers--called daphnes--in her garden as a way of commemorating the life that was lost. I was particularly struck by the image of a flower rising up each year come spring, and that image became a central piece of the song.
I get invited along on some pretty intense journeys with commissioned songwriting. This one took me to a place few people even talk about beyond the boundaries of quiet whispers and private family conversations. Jen came to me two years ago asking for a song to help her heal. She and her husband Dan had one child and were in the process of trying to conceive another. But they had been beset by a painful miscarriage which seemed both to stand in the way of Jen's moving forward toward conception again, and, too, of Jen's ability to feel the support of Dan. Jen brought her journals and the one book I have ever seen containing poetry about miscarriage to the song-interview. It was at that point that it hit me how very "unspoken" this kind of loss can be in our culture. She described to me the circumstances of her miscarriage, the shock, the sadness, the confusion, the doubt. And then she told me of how she had made the decision to plant some flowers--called daphnes--in her garden as a way of commemorating the life that was lost. I was particularly struck by the image of a flower rising up each year come spring, and that image became a central piece of the song.
Jennifer, Dan, Jake (2), and Jackson (5) THE EPILOGUE
This was one of those experiences where the song-interview Jen did with me turned out to be every bit as groundbreaking and healing for her as the song itself. Jen got in touch with me the day after the interview to say, "I can't believe how different I feel, already. And I can't believe how much more Dan and I have been able to process this experience together since yesterday." Because this song was written a few years ago, I have the unique ability to provide a more full Epilogue than usual. Jen and Dan went on to conceive a second son, Jake, who I had the pleasure of meeting in person just a few weeks ago while my family was vacationing near their home. Jen showed me the daphnes in her garden, and I got to see for myself the wonder that is a family that knows itself to be complete. Recently, out of the blue, Jen's elder son Jackson (5) asked his mother a rather interesting question. Here are Jen's words, sharing the conversation with me:
As I mentioned to you last week, Jackson knows about the baby. When I was bathing him a few weeks ago, he asked, "Why do babies sometimes die before they're born?" I don't know why he thought of it, but I knew exactly what he was talking about. I told him that sometimes there's something wrong with the baby that makes it die, explaining a little bit about the development in utero. He said, "But it's just the body that dies, not the spirit, right?" I confirmed that's what we believe, and then he asked, "Where does the spirit go?" I answered, "Well, maybe into a new baby." He replied, "Maybe her spirit went into Jake."
This was one of those experiences where the song-interview Jen did with me turned out to be every bit as groundbreaking and healing for her as the song itself. Jen got in touch with me the day after the interview to say, "I can't believe how different I feel, already. And I can't believe how much more Dan and I have been able to process this experience together since yesterday." Because this song was written a few years ago, I have the unique ability to provide a more full Epilogue than usual. Jen and Dan went on to conceive a second son, Jake, who I had the pleasure of meeting in person just a few weeks ago while my family was vacationing near their home. Jen showed me the daphnes in her garden, and I got to see for myself the wonder that is a family that knows itself to be complete. Recently, out of the blue, Jen's elder son Jackson (5) asked his mother a rather interesting question. Here are Jen's words, sharing the conversation with me:
As I mentioned to you last week, Jackson knows about the baby. When I was bathing him a few weeks ago, he asked, "Why do babies sometimes die before they're born?" I don't know why he thought of it, but I knew exactly what he was talking about. I told him that sometimes there's something wrong with the baby that makes it die, explaining a little bit about the development in utero. He said, "But it's just the body that dies, not the spirit, right?" I confirmed that's what we believe, and then he asked, "Where does the spirit go?" I answered, "Well, maybe into a new baby." He replied, "Maybe her spirit went into Jake."
THE BLESSING
In Commemoration of a Little Soul Gone Too Soon
I lost you alone
There was almost no one to carry you home
Just me and the floor
And the closed bathroom door
I was blinking and breathing
Not quite believing
Throat like a stone
I lost you alone
And my body was tired
Tired and heavy of heart
Was our house too cold a place to start?
'Cause I never heard your heart start beating
And I never felt the oceans of feeling
I never cried
Never opened my eyes
Till you were already gone
Can you see me now?
I am down on my knees with my
Fingers down deep in the ground
And I plant these daphnes in the name of my love
And I’ll go forth believing the blessing you’re leaving
Will be more than enough
I am not alone
I am not alone
I will turn to my love and soften my heart
I will let one thing finish so another can start
And I will watch you rise and bloom each year
I will not forget; you will find me here
In the arms of life
Saying thank you, I love you, and good bye
Can you see me now?
I am down on my knees with my
Fingers down deep in the ground
And I plant these daphnes in the name of my love
And I’ll go forth believing the lesson you’re leaving
Will be more than enough
You teach me of love
You teach me of love
Blood of my blood
You teach me of love
(c) 2003 Anna Huckabee Tull
THE WRITING AND RECORDING STORY
The phenomenal piano playing you hear here is Felicia Brady. I knew she was the person to call to help me arrange and perform on this piece, but I also knew she was in the process of deciding to get pregnant herself, and I was unsure how it would feel for her to dig in deeply on a song of this topic. She sat with the idea for a few days and finally called me to say, "Let's go." When I came to her house to hear what she had done with it I was moved to tears, as have been many, many people who have shared comments with me about this song over the years. (It appears on my album Love All Over the Place--a "theme" album about love in its many forms. And as for Felicia's decision to work on the song, here's a wonderful epilogue on her part of the story. She is now the glowing mother of the beautiful 2-year old Grant Chapman Brady. So there's just fertility shining out all over around this this tough-subject song!
The phenomenal piano playing you hear here is Felicia Brady. I knew she was the person to call to help me arrange and perform on this piece, but I also knew she was in the process of deciding to get pregnant herself, and I was unsure how it would feel for her to dig in deeply on a song of this topic. She sat with the idea for a few days and finally called me to say, "Let's go." When I came to her house to hear what she had done with it I was moved to tears, as have been many, many people who have shared comments with me about this song over the years. (It appears on my album Love All Over the Place--a "theme" album about love in its many forms. And as for Felicia's decision to work on the song, here's a wonderful epilogue on her part of the story. She is now the glowing mother of the beautiful 2-year old Grant Chapman Brady. So there's just fertility shining out all over around this this tough-subject song!
© 2006 Anna Huckabee Tull. The rights for this song are filed and registered with the United States Copyright Office as a Sound Recording by Anna Huckabee Tull. Copies of these songs may not be sold or bartered. But sharing? Sharing is all good!
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